This
post might be too much for some readers (TMI), it is my breastfeeding story.
I used to feel the need to share because I didn't feel resolved about the
issue. I do now. I share it because I don't think that bottle
feeding is talked about enough. I want to share my story so if there are others
out there (I know there are) can be validated and connected to others. My
mom said I should start up a bottle feeding support group like there is
LeLache for breastfeeding mothers. I
didn’t really condense this or go over it too much, so it is wordy and tenses
are wrong. I still have a 5 week old and
don’t have much time, but I wanted to share my experience.
Before
Tyler was born I was set on breastfeeding.
I thought only bad mom’s bottle fed.
I had heard that breastfeeding was not easy, for a variety of reasons,
but that did not scare me because I knew that I had enough “determination” to
get through what ever it took. I was
going to breast feed and that was it!
When
Tyler was born he didn’t latch. I met
with every lactation consultant possible in the hospital. Each had their “way” of trying to latch a
baby but all were stumped by Tyler. He
was a happy content baby, until he was brought to my breast. I went home from
the hospital not too discouraged because I knew I was “determined” to make it
happen.
Each
feeding session I would spend up to an hour trying to latch him, I then would
bottle feed, and then pump. This would
take an hour or two at a time and he was feeding about every three hours. When latching him he would scream. The feelings I felt at that time were unbearable. I felt upset, resentful, angry, hurt, an incapable
mom. But for some reason, I was still “determined”. Thoughts came into my mind that questioned
why I was “determined” to do this. But
that thought scared me, thinking I was stepping down to not be the best mom I
could. So I kept on.
After
about two weeks I was exhausted and if you could imagine crying and numb. I might have gotten Tyler to latch- maybe,
maybe 30 minutes in total the entire two weeks.
In
the mean time I was pumping every couple of hours and yielding about 6 oz a day…
6 oz a day! I know the pump doesn’t
bring in milk like a baby, but what could I do, he wouldn’t latch.
I
tried a nipple shield, he wouldn’t latch to that either. And in my state of
mind by that point I hated resembling “madona” as I would say. I thought breastfeeding was to connect with
my baby and he was knocking off the shield, pouring milk everywhere and
screaming.
After
those two weeks I was basically “forced” to stop because my mental capacities
and emotional state was such. In the
next 8 months I had depression and thoughts of “could of should of’s”. I tried the supplemental nursing system (a
tube that connects to the breast connected to a bottle) at 6 weeks post partum I
tried to start up my supply again and re-try breastfeeding. I met with a lactation consultant again and
by the end she told me to just bottle feed.
I felt hopeless.
At
8 months when Tyler began eating more food and less of his bottle I felt a set
of depression again and wanted to re-establish my milk supply. I was sad that soon there would not be any
hope to ever breastfeed him and was still “determined” to make it happen. I began going to LeLache group and
researching re-establishing a milk supply again. I tried latching him and again the same
response. – which looking back this was
so unrealistic, but that was how upset I was about it.
Luckily
I was blessed with peace after much prayer and attending the temple and sitting
in one of the rooms that resembles heaven.
I was overwhelmed with the thought of the connection, love, and
relationship that I have with Tyler. None
of it came through breastfeeding- which, before I was a mom, I thought it was
breastfeeding that gave me those results.
I could finally feel peace about not breastfeeding Tyler. I can still remember my experience there and
how much it meant to me.
When
I got pregnant with Riley I didn’t research or stress too much about
breastfeeding. I just had this feeling
that it would work out or wouldn’t work out.
When Ry was born he ended up in the NICU. NICU life is very, very difficult. It is sleepless, emotionless and at the same
time very emotional. I guess one is so
past being emotional that there is no emotion.
Trying to breastfeed a preemie is very difficult because they cannot
suck too long (prescribed by the doctors) because they are too weak and cannot exert
too many calories.
In
the NICU once he was able to be held I began latching him. He was a much better latcher than Tyler. He actually latched. He had a weak suck and would fall asleep
faster than most because he was early. I
pumped around the clock every 2.5-3 hours at first. And then for the next 6 weeks pumped every
2-3 hours during the day and once at night (skipping some nights).
Once
Riley got home I still could not exclusively breastfeed him. He was too weak and by then my milk supply
and his nutritional intake was different than one another.
I
met with a lactation consultant and she worked with Riley and me. By the time
he got to be 40 weeks gestational age I figured he was old enough to breastfeed
exclusively. I tried. The first two feeds
were very successful. He seemed content
after each feed. I was so excited and
thought that I would be able to breastfeed my baby.
Although,
after that each time I would latch him I would get very depressed
thoughts. I felt horrible. This left me stuck- to push through or to
stop.
I
kept pumping. I stopped latching. I figured I would just give him my milk
though a bottle. I was only yielding about
6 oz of milk a day. I went on Fenugreek; More Milk Special Blend (a herbal
blend that had other things like Milk Thistle, Goats Rue, and other herbs to
help milk supply); Brewers Yeast; Fish Oil; upped my water in take… none of
that seemed to help.
So,
I got a prescription for Reglan. I drug
that helps bring in milk supply. My milk
increased by an ounce- one day I got 7 oz.
I ended up with such a stiff neck and a raging headache (peaking at an
8/10 in pain levels), which is a side effect.
I had to go off of it because I was reacting to it.
Again,
I was left with the decision of what to do.
I was spending 3-5 hours alone in pumping a day to yield 5-7 oz. My baby took about 25 oz/ day. Lactation Consultants and nurses were telling
me that every drop was so healthy for my baby- but what about how it was
negatively affecting him (because how it was affecting me), not to mention my
two year old, husband, myself, my house, everything in my life.
I
decided to bottle feed, dry up my milk supply.
I feel so good about my decision.
I feel relief and clarity. Although,
now that I have been on Reglan and tried to spike my hormones to produce milk
to allowing my levels to drop to dry my supply- my hormones have gone
crazy. In response making me feel
crazy. I haven’t felt so out of control
of my thoughts and feelings before. Ryan
has had to stay home to take care of me and the kids the last two days. I know that these feelings will go away. I have to ride it like I am riding a wave.
They will go away, I can’t wait for my supply to dry up and my hormones to
become normal again.
I
met with my doctor and have explained to her my feels while latching. She told me that I am very sensitive to these
hormones… I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if my milk truly came in.
If
I only knew what I know now. With Tyler I
was so “determined” in making nursing happen.
I spent a lot of time being sad over something that I have discovered
was more of a fantasy and not for me. When
I was able to experience the nursing experience I did with Riley, I didn’t even
enjoy it. I was leaking all over; it
hurt; my nipples tingled all the time having let down with the screech of a car
or a dog howling; I was the only one that could feed my child- and I need breaks;
I spent more time feeding or pumping than I did bonding and being with my
children; I was stressed about how much milk Riley was getting; I was stressed
about how much water I was getting or what was in my milk that was bothering
his stomach; engorgement; bruised breast; hunched over and uncomfortable; didn’t
feel bonded with my baby; don’t know how to do it in public; nights are all me;
couldn’t drop him off and leave for a while….
I
wish someone would have let me know of the reality of breastfeeding. I know there are good things to
breastfeeding. I know that it is best
for the baby because of the nutritional benefits. But, I don’t believe that those nutritional benefits
outweigh the way it makes some of us moms feel.
Feeling depressed does not give our babies the love they need, the
bonded time to hold and touch them. And
when there are other children in the picture, they cannot be so negatively
affected that they are neglected and suffer.
Some
of us women do not get a milk supply; are very sensitive to the milk making
hormone creating us to feel very upset; and we are just meant to bottle
feed.
Thank
God for bottle feeding and such good formula.
I
used to be very upset about not being able to breastfeed, but I have come to a
very realistic view on how important it is to review what is REALLY going on,
what I REALLY want and what I should REALLY be determined to do. Being determined to do something that is not fulfilling;
hurts me, hurts my baby and hurts my family is not something that I no longer
want. I don’t want to sacrifice what I really
want, my family, for something like my milk or a fantasy of breastfeeding (that
I have discovered is not what I expected).
I
am grateful I have completed my journey of breastfeeding. May all of you that struggle with similar
problems find peace as well.
Now-
in the meantime, please let my milk supply dry up and may I be normal again!
6 comments:
Hey Michelle,
I'm Heather - an old friend of Ryan's from college. I know exactly how you feel and can relate on the experience with my two boys. The topic should be talked about more, especially with new moms.
As for trying to dry up your milk. Buy a cabbage - peel off whole leaves and crush the veins a bit. Then put them on your chest in your bra. It is an old wives tale of "coleslaw bra." Refrigerate the cabbage and it acts like an ice pack too. Keep it on constantly. Sports bras helped - so did ibuprofen. Try and avoid letting warm water run over them in the shower. From a fellow mom with a similar experience...good luck!
Such a hard decision to make and always because of the internal struggle. No one is really telling us we "have" to breastfeed, but somehow there is all this guilt! So glad you made the right decision for you and your family. Make sure that you go in right away if things don't normalize because the post partum I got with my second (I didn't have it with my first) really hit around six weeks, and I let it go for waaaaay too long thinking "it's just hormones" and I should have gotten medicated so I could heal and get back to being the mama. =)
It sounds like you have learned so much about you and what's right for your family. Heavenly Father gives us challenges specific for us... though it's never fun to go through, we become stronger through them. A happy mommy is a happy family in my book. Way to go for doing what is right for you and being good with that. :)
Oh my goodness Michelle! What a horrible experience for you. I am so sorry that you had such a difficult time breastfeeing and I know how senstive of an issue that really is and how hard it is for a mother for finally give it up if her body or baby won't allow her to do so. I am so glad though that you have come to terms with it and are healthier.. or on the road anyway. I don't think people really know how emotional one can become after having a baby how messed up your hormones really are, you are not alone. Your sons are soooo handsome and I am so glad that you loved your csections as much as i do! seriously we can be spokespeople for that! I am glad your litle boy is okay as well, that is scare to have him in the nicu, geez no wonder you were emtotionally worn out girl! Let's hope things have settled for you!
oh michelle!!! my heart breaks for you!!!! You should have totally talked to me!!! I'm all about the bottle! Breastfeeding isn't for everyone. I'm so so sorry you had to go through all of that. I stopped breastfeeding my second baby, and it amazes me how much happier i am giving a bottle. For some reason it was such an emotional experience for me as well... and not in a good way. I love you girl! Hang in there, things will get better!
I'm so glad you shared this. I love this line: "I don’t believe that those nutritional benefits outweigh the way it makes some of us moms feel. Feeling depressed does not give our babies the love they need, the bonded time to hold and touch them. And when there are other children in the picture, they cannot be so negatively affected that they are neglected and suffer."
Your mom is 100% right on you starting a bottle feeding support group.
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