Oct 27, 2012

A War

We all struggle, for me, mostly, it is my headaches.  My orthodontist the other day was talking to me about my decisions about jaw surgery.  He spoke about Romney's statement in his debate when he said, "When you try one thing and it doesn't work, you go to the next thing.  And when that doesn't work, you try another.  And when that doesn't work, you go to the next.  And when that doesn't work, you go to war."

Something struck in me.  I had a hard time holding back my intimate connection to his statement, I thought he was speaking about me.  I am at war. Do you ever feel like you are at war?  With yourself!

Nothing has helped my headaches. Well, we've made progress, but in war there can be progress but still no defeat. And yet, in this war I must stay composed, steady, balanced, and continue on.  I guess that there is little difference in a real war.  I would love to talk to a real soldier.  I am sure my feelings are much the same as his.

In this war of mine I feel powerful.  There is refinement from the bullets that have hustled by and the terrain has been well sought and well tread.  Because of battle I have learned about my limits and boundaries.  Through this, the terrain has become less bumpy and a bit smoother. But, in the end, I am still on the front grounds wanting to return home to where it is safe.

Do you think in war the question is not getting through, but how we get through?  Someone can not change whether the war is happening until ultimately it is finished, but they can have their choice on how they get through.

But how does one train themselves so well that they are calm in the face of battle?  Is it possible?

I think it is.  But it takes sometimes more training than one thinks they are capable of.

When I was first married I used to go to the park close to our apartment and cry and scream.  Isn't that so sad?!  I was in so much pain. I couldn't handle the constant pain- physically and emotionally.  It was a very trying time for both me and my husband.

My terrain has become well walked.  I know the bumps, pot holes, traps, and weather that makes it worse.  I don't know the opponents motive, but I know how to fight.

By knowing these landmarks that make it hard, I am able to some how have more patience, less emotion, and more energy to fight harder.  Instead of hopelessness, there is a sense of confidence and a calmness of hope sometimes shines through.

Some in war are defeated, some are permanently wounded and some come out as the victor.  I was defeated, I have been wounded, but somehow, I believe in my trying one thing to the next, and ending up in war, I too will also be the victor and come out permanently moved and changed for the good.

War, we never want to start it.  But when in it, we must dodge, learn from the move, and continue on.  And hope that when it is all over we are geared up and ready for the next one.  But, once I am there, can I please have a break for just a bit and then I promise I'll fight hard and win again.

My war, headaches.  Not just a headache, but one that has taken away the quality of my life and I fight to gain it back.  I am becoming the victor as I demand to be headstrong, strong spirited, and detailed in understanding me and how I overcome my sadness, my anger, my pain, and everything that tells me I can't have happiness just because I have to live with a headache.  I can live with a headache and be happy.  Most don't know my opponent, headache, but he never is far behind.

I hope in the near future, I will shoot my opponent down, stuff him in a fox hole and never let him follow.  But until then, may my poise, patience, and steadiness quickly run behind and be my ally till my defeat is complete.

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