Anger. We all have it. You know those days when the kids are needy, the husband is grumpy, and the house is a mess and everyone is too busy to see that you're not feeling well? And then there are those people when you always know when they are sick and for some reason they always get to have a sick day each time they don't feel well? You know those days when your head has its own pulse, the lights seem too bright, the whispers seem too loud, and it all seems to get more intense as the moments go by? You know what makes me angry- that I have to many of those days and so I've run out of sick days. And so, some how I have to be super hero and function like every healthy individual and be happy about it. And then at the end of some of those days I just can't take it and I feel guilty for not being able to keep up.
I shut down. I cry. I never know what to do with that anger, so my head just pounds harder. Angry at my doctors, angry at my body, angry with my self. I know it isn't my fault, but where the heck are they coming from?!
Sometimes I want someone to come up to me and just say, "sorry, it sure sucks what you have to deal with, it just isn't fair". - I don't even use the word sucks, but it best describes how I feel without using the words I really don't use. My grandma and mom have. I guess that is why I have them.
I am sorry for who ever is reading this, if any, for what ever you have to deal with, I am sorry, and it sucks. It just isn't fair! We all have something, I know. And I know if I had to deal with something else, that would be hard. But sometimes I just need to get out how hard it is for me to deal with what I am dealing with now. I am always trying to be positive or reflective on how I can learn about these headaches, but writing helps and I just wanted to get some of it out. Probably should have done it in my personal journal, but it is done now. I know this is opposite of my last post about trying to not make a big deal of problems because everyone has them. But, tonight this is my post and we all have junk inside that has to come out. I don't need to appologize or erase this, because too many times I do and it is okay for me to write how I really feel. Maybe one days those feelings will go away.