Simply by our knocking, He answers

By the way, before I start- blogger is being annoying and won't leave spaces between paragraphs- so that is what my (.....) indicates. For years I have searched for something I have lost. The problem, I haven't known all these years what I lost, I have just felt its absence. I have blamed many things over the years- moving away from home; not feeling a place in college; my health; lost friends; transitions into different life's stages. Though through each, I never found a sound reason why each would affect me so deeply; and I have remained searching.... Over the years I have wrestled with myself, trying to change behaviors, thinking that as behaviors were changed, my thoughts would follow. Yet, I have just moved from one to the other, succeeding at some and failing at others. Through trying to set up routines; becoming more fit; becoming "this or that" mom; finding more opportunities to serve; being strictly obedient to doctors requests; and the list goes on, as I have wrestled with these behavior changes, I have still been left empty and questioning more.... I have wondered why it seems like I fight the person that seems to be working so hard for me- ME. With still a vigor of hope, I have wandered through this path wondering what I am working so hard to accomplish. But, with my determination, I have continued on... My friend in her desire to give me motivation said that my Father in Heaven loves me as much as He loves our Savior Jesus Christ. At first my reaction was to gasp; instead, I stayed quiet. That night as I said my prayers I pondered this statement and felt sad I could not, with confidence, feel of this truth.... Over the last few days this phrase has rang through my heart and I have been determined to feel the resonance this truth holds.... While rocking my baby to sleep the other night, the silence allowed me to think and my baby's touch allowed me to feel something greater than what was in the room. As I rocked, the thought came to me that our Savior did not need saving at all. Although I have known this, when I put our Father in Heaven into the equation, my heart was filled with His love. If our Father in Heaven loved our Savior Jesus Christ more than us, He would have never had him suffer in the garden to provide us a way back to Him. But, His love, for me and for you is so great that He needed His son, even Jesus Christ, to provide us a way. Our Father in Heaven does love us as much as He loves our Savior Jesus Christ.... Imagine how much that must be? I can't even understand how much that is, but I am determined to understand it.... This simple statement by my friend helped me to find my answer that I have been searching for. Even though the search is not complete, I know of its venue and the power it has to fill me.... Over the years I have lost my priority in making spiritual things a way of life, and have made them tasks to be checked off the list. I have become lost in the responsibilities of life and demands my bodies scream, that my paradigm needed shifting and I was never aware.... As a metamorphosis of my desires in immersing myself in things of the spiritual, my void is becoming filled. Automatically behaviors are changing and I no longer need to fight myself.... As we become converted and put our focus on things greater than this world, the spirit flows through us and we become flexible with the storms of our life. Instead of remembering the sharp rocks or length of the storm, we look back and remember the beauty of sounds of rain; colors of the storm; and how we felt carried as we went about.... Simply by my knocking, He answered. Maybe it was just time for me to receive answers and I have been knocking ever since, but, the Lord needs no gifts or no requests, simply that of us being behind His door and knocking. As we study the truths He has given us and change our focus onto the spiritual, empty hearts are filled and answers are found. Even though the storms still rage and answers aren't given in full, the suns rays shine through, making it apparent where to search next and leaving peace in its warmth.... With a simply statement that challenged my testimony, I appreciate this friends boldness and more over am grateful that as I have walked a bit closer to my Saviors door, He quickly responds and opens.... I am at awe at the love our Savior Jesus Christ has for us and how much our Father in Heaven wanted his justice balanced, by providing His Son so we may return back to our Father. His love is found through our continual searching and He is answers by us simply knocking.